I Broke My Own Heart..?
These last few days, I've been really introspective trying to just process my own feelings. And I came to the conclusion that I broke my own heart, possibly.
I was in a relationship with someone who chose someone else.
Now, I'm sure a lot of y'all can relate to that. I mean who can't? I've spent years blaming this man for "ruining" me, but really I did it to myself. Now, in no way is this a blame the victim type of post, but check this out...why didn't I choose me 1st?
There were definitely signs along the way foreshadowing what was to come. Why did I miss them ALL?
The answer is simply, I was just in love. Or just dumb, whichever you prefer.
And since then, I've ran away from anything that was too serious. I refused to be too vulnerable. Baby I'll hurt you before you hurt me. Sorry, but not really. Since then I've never been completely satisfied with anyone, always fearing that in the back of their mind they already had one foot out the door.
And like I said, I refuse.
Looking at it now, that's no way to be. A broken heart is no excuse to push people away, or even shelter myself off from someone that could really be "my person".
But it's easier said than done. How do I undo years worth of damage? I really think this is step 1, acknowledging that this is the issue.
Can't heal properly without 1st admitting that there's something that needs to be healed in the 1st place.
Now some of you may think the next logical step would be confrontation, or seeking some type of closure. But really, I don't see it happening. And to be quite honest...it's fuck him. I don't want or need closure from anyone that didn't think I was worth giving it to in the 1st place.
And that's period.
** Sir, if you happen to read this, and you know who you are, keep it.**
Past admitting the truth to myself, I think my next steps are simply processing it and moving forward.
"Don't be afraid to start over, this time you're not starting from scratch you're starting from experience."
Now, to anyone calling themselves liking me right now, just bare with me. I'm a work in progress, and I can't deal with anything too serious, before I really heal.
I learned that the hard way too, you cannot heal anyone else's broken heart and you can't expect someone to love you properly when they're still hurting.
I hope this post has helped you all, as much as it has helped me.
With love always,
-Your Urban Black Girl
P.S. If any of you reading this know who this is about, text me...I could use the laugh. Lol.